N is for...

Numbness...

Using the word numbness comes with two examples that are both currently happening to me.

For starters...I'm sorry fellow readers for not updating for such a long time. I have been going through some tough times with having surgery, starting school, repairing such things in my life such as my heart, and honestly just trying to cope with what God has given me.

This morning when I woke up I felt like I was still playing a little Texas Hold-Em Poker. In my hand I had 2 10s. On the flop there was a Jack, a 10, and a 7, all in clubs. The turn was a Jack of hearts and the river was a 4 of clubs. So showing I had a full house 10s over Jacks. What to do? Of course you are going to bid them high! I definitely think that I have a good hand! I mean in Texas Hold-em that's a really good hand.
In my real life...I woke up realizing that for the last year I had been in love with a certain ex someone and had deeply cared for him for the previous 5 years before that. So just like in the poker hand I had a 50/50 chance. He loves me compassionately in return or his heart had moved on to better things. And in poker there is a chance that someone had a Jack and a 7 and their hand would win over mine. Or even having the final 10 with a Jack. So what did I do in the poker hand? Bid em high! I was definitely going with my gut feeling. So in real life...I bid em high! I went to this certain ex and told him everything that was on my heart. I told him that I was madly in love with him.
Someone once told me that Short term pain results in Long term pleasure. Thats what I thought my life had come to. The short term pain was over. The previous year was painful...and short term.
In the poker hand, I won! Nobody else had anything close to what i had. I was so psyched! For such a great winning I definitely decided that the love that I had for my ex was worth the risk! The risk of our actual friendship that we had made not lasting through something like this. I went all-in! The fact of the matter was that my poker hand and my love life don't always match. I lost in real life. Thank goodness my poker hand was good...but that joy only lasts until the weekend is over and your bragging rights expire. My heart on the other hand...was numb. I couldn't feel it and still can't. On facebook...my status is that i want to feel "it" again. I want to feel my heart again. I want to know that it is still there so I can give it to the man of my future dreams. Because the man of my current dreams obviously doesn't want it. So numbness part #1...the place where my heart used to be...its numb. Just as if it were never there.

Numbness part #2...my foot! My right foot is huge! It's swollen and most of it is numb. I can't feel it. During surgery the doctor found a torn tendon at the same time which when fixing that it hit a nerve. Which implied numbness. My foot will eventually get back to normal. But as of now..its nowhere close. Thank goodness that Physical Therapy starts on Tuesday and that will hopefully heal some of the numbness.

Does anyone know a good Physical Therapist that can heal my numb heart? I got one for my foot...now if only I had another one that could heal my heart. One day I will find one. And he will be the best. And if I can be honest about this certain Physical Therapist...he will be my husband. Because to fix all the brokenness and numbness in my life is going to take a miracle and thats exactly what my husband will be one day. He will be the miracle that I wait for every day. The miracle that will exceed anything else I have ever seen, yes even One Tree Hill. :)

Enough venting for one day...I will attempt to make my updates more frequent now that I am attempting to deal with my life and not search for the Physical Therapist in the yellow pages but look deeper. Look into my faith and trust in God that he will send me someone that will go above and beyond any Physical Therapist and just be the closest person to perfect as there can ever be. At least perfect to me...

My final thought...There are some people that I miss more than others but will never admit it. And those few are very special to my heart. The moment that they walked out of my life broke everything I had ever built. I have rebuilt my heart, my life, and my faith numerous times. Maybe this time...it won't get knocked down and I won't have to miss anyone anymore and I will finally be happy.
It will come to me one day...I have faith in God that it will.

"All I ever wanted for you to know was that
Everything I'd do,
I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe
I need to feel you here with me"
-'When You're Gone'

So far I have yet to get an actual comment..so don't start now. I don't want to know your opinion on this post...its too heartfelt and anything you say will make it worse. Trust me.